So we all know there’s inevitably a beginning to all things, my depressions and suicidal thoughts, though in sync started separate. Depression can take on many forms and take years to hit you but when the demons start talking they never stop.
You see when I was a child of 3 my mother and father separated, my father being foreign born and mother being American of course they moved here. Not really sure I think my mother just didn’t like Germany all that much so we ended up back in the US, now this was when I was born. I spent the next 7 years in between my mother and fathers houses until my mother won custody, now this is where my depression begins, ( even though I’m unaware.) I spend most of my childhood praying my mother and father get back together to no avail.
Mind you all the while hearing my mother say things like “he’s a spy for the Germans!” Or “he’s going to kidnap you and I’ll never see you again!”.
This really confused me and made me very sad, I never believed that, my father was the best ever in my heart and I refused to think in any other way. Fast forward a few years later, I’m working with my dad at his shop just so we can have more time together since my mother was so paranoid I vaguely remember our exchange but I’m sure it went somewhat like,
“Your mother is crazy. Why would I do that to you I love you you’re my son”.
To which I replied,
“I’m not sure why but she says if I ever go with you alone out of her reach she will have you deported, dad I don’t want that I love you!” I know you wouldn’t kidnap me.
These kinds of conversations went on for years until my father became a permanent resident and citizen of the US. Finally out away from harm of being taken away from me.
By this time I was in 8th grade and my father finally paid off his shop loan and owned it.
Mind you I thought of the constant comments from my mother about my father daily and it hurt me because I knew I’d never get to experience having a dad even though he was in the same town. So at 17 after graduating grade school I announced to my mother whom at this time in my life had become a raging alcoholic that I was moving out of her house and in with my father. This enraged her “What will I do for money?!” How will I pay the bills without you here?!”
I simply replied “You’ll figure it out mama, you have to get your life together I will not be a crutch any longer for you.”
I spent the next few months preparing for my move to my fathers. I have yet to mention that I have three half siblings whom live with my mother and I as well. One sister grown and on her own at the time my other half brother and sister still with my mother.
I thought, “What a dream come true!” I get to go stay with my dad for the first time in my life!”
Though I quickly found out things were NOT as I had imagined.
There’s just a peek into my ever unfolding journey of depression and suicidal thought filled mind, a bit more background if you will.
Stay tuned for more please feel free to share and comment your stories in the comments.
Until next time,